So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
