So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
