Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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