Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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