i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
