my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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