cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
