I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
