Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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