there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
