i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
