Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
