Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
