I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
