"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
