my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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