Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
