your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
