i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
