when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
