I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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