I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
