I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
