After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
