Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think your dad took our porno
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
