I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
