One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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