There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
