Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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