I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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