she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
