6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize