Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
