I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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