By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
