Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
