I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
