I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
