my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
