I hope mine doesn't look like that
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
