Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
