Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
