yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
be right there i have to get my cape
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
