My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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