My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
