Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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