so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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