this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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