you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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