All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
