I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
