oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
