The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just high enough for therapy.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
