I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
