i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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