Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
